i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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