If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
