i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Randomize
