Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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