He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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