never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
