i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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