new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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