mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up under a house in Key West
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
