I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
