Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
