i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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