My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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