I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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