I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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