Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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