i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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