Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
