Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
