The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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