I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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