i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
