I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
