New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
