He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
