perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
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Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
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Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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