i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
