I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
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Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
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is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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