I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My liver just had a heart attack.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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