im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
