you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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