i would punch a child for taco bell
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
