The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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