sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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