it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
