well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
