His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
