He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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