Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
