I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
a search helicopter?!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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