drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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