I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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