Christians are straight up FREAKS
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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