Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
