Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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