we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
