Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
