you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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