don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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