My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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