No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
