she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
