so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
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I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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