I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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