They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
