if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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