that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
