I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
