I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
