So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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